Peter’s Instagram had been pretty popular since Instagram’s account noticed and reposted one of his photos, an impossible angle of the New York skyline (thank you Spider-Man) and was floating at around twenty thousand followers. His school friends were half in awe (like any teenager would be), and half ‘meh’. Or, in Flash’s case, slightly jealous. His catchphrase became, “Make sure you tag me, Parker.” Peter mainly posted his photography, which centred around scenes of New York, his friends and family, and cute animals he happened to see on the street. Occasionally a funny scene from his day that helped expand his online reach and announced him as Gen Z.
Then suddenly, @pparker was in the top 100 most followed Instagram accounts. Why? Well, Slightly Tipsy Peter (what? MJ challenged him at tequila shots, and after number 20 his metabolism had stopped helping him) had decided it would be a great idea to post the video of Mr Stark sleep deprived and talking (crying) to DUM-E about how unfair it was that the bees were dying. Then Sober Peter thought it would be a great idea to post a follow up photo of Mr Stark and Rhodey fighting over Lucky Charms (one word: Explosion), then the video of Mr Stark sliding belly down on a creeper across the lab floor and crashing into a deconstructed Iron Man armour.
Slowly photos of his time at the compound and with Mr Stark began infiltrating his usual collection. He was immediately pounced upon by SI’s PR team, but after the overwhelming positive reaction the public had to Mr Stark’s more ‘human’ side, he was allowed to continue. He was to be, quote, “closely monitored”, but as long as he didn’t post anything incriminating, he had free reign.
Which. Was. Awesome.
***
“Hey, Mr Stark. You’re a meme now.”
“I’m always a meme Parker, you’re going to have to be more specific.”
“You know the floor is lava video where you accidentally tripped and went sprawling and basically died? Yeah, well, everyone who’s just gone back to college are saying things like ‘me trying to stay organised this semester’ or ‘me actually attempting to do something well’ and putting this fuzzy photo of you stacking it beneath it.”
“God, you really are the worst, kid. I have a reputation to maintain, you know?”
“No offence, Mr Stark, but your reputation kinda died.”
Something on Peter’s table popped they both turned to look warily at the dangerous number of beakers that were at different stages of the web-creation process, as well as the stink bomb Peter was trying to perfect for the Juniors-Take-Revenge-On-Seniors Prank Week.
Mr Stark turned and pointed a screw driver at Peter, who was standing on the ceiling and fiddling with his (not yet released) StarkPhone and trying to take a photo of the sun setting outside the compound’s windows. “If any of your sh*t blows up my lab I’m going to eviscerate you.”
“Whatever,” Peter said, distracted once again by his photography.
“Or worse, if the stink bomb you somehow talked me into helping you make goes off. Then I really will have to blow up the lab so that we can start from scratch. There’s no way I’m allowing a smell like that to stay in my compound.”
“Pepper already lets you stay here. And you’re much worse than a stink bomb.”
“Jesus Christ the youth of today. Zero respect for their elders.”
“Yeah, for you it’s more like elderly. Being 48 means you’re half way to death, unless you somehow figure out how to transfer your conscious into a computer.”
“Like in that Johnny Depp movie?”
“Transcendence, yeah.”
“I’d do a much better job than Johnny Depp.”
“I would totally unplug you, just to get away from your stupid dad jokes.”
“You like my dad jokes.”
“Ned likes your dad jokes.”
“Besides, they’re not even dad jokes.”
“Don’t worry man, I know you have to practise. The results, both successful and utter failure, are pretty funny.”
“Well they’re better than your anti-jokes or whatever.”
Peter laughed and twisted his body so that he could look at Mr Stark. “I got one for you.”
Mr Stark sighed heavily, eyes rolling heavenward.
“An Irish man walks out of a bar.”
There was a tense silence as the joke registered and then Mr Stark snorted. Rubbing at his eyes he stood up from where he was crouched among coils of wiring and arc reactor tech that would hopefully lead to no-emission cars. “Wanna grab pizza, hot shot? Pep should be home by now.”
Peter shrugged, flipping over and landing back on the floor. His stomach had started protesting for food half an hour ago. He quickly checked his beakers, tapping at some and pouring finished products into their final containers. He mimed throwing the stink bomb at Mr Stark who gave him a disgusted sneer.
Snickering, Peter wrapped up at his desk and joined Mr Stark in walking to the elevator. He’s shoved by his shoulder in the final steps and pretended to throw a punch at Mr Starks face. By the time the elevator arrived at the Stark’s private living suite, the two were in a light tousle that had Pepper giggling from where she stood next to four boxes of pizza. Handing two to him and two to Mr Stark, she directed them to the couches and grabbed her water and the value bottle of co*ke before joining them. The night passed like a normal Friday night, watching bad movies (“It’s a f*cking classic, Pete, there’s a big-ass shark and it eats people.” “What your language, Tony. He’s only a baby.”) and eating junk food. Peter’s metabolism meant he was able to polish off two of the pizzas. He was in hysterics at the sight of Mr Stark attempting and succeeding at stuffing five sandwiched slices of pizza in his mouth at the same time, the crusts hanging out in front of him and his cheeks bulging like a chipmunk. He grabbed his phone from the floor and lined up the perfect shot, the fading sun sending golden light through the windows and highlighting his hair as his eyes crinkled shut in laughter. Pepper was barely in frame in the background with a look of disgust and humour on her face.
Later, when things quietened down and people were dying on screen, Peter sent a quick text to May, then checked the photo and found himself uploading it with only several cry-laughing emoji’s as a caption. Smiling at the people he now called family, he sank back into the cushions, content.
***
A set of photos go up late on a (different) Friday night. The first one is of Tony Stark, curled up in a darkened room on a couch, wearing custom design Spider-Man pyjamas (which Peter protested loudly, but was secretly filled with warmth at the thought of his pseudo-father figure caring enough about him to custom make pyjamas). He was on his side, half lying down, with his head pillowed on the stomach of Pepper Stark, who was in comfortable sweats. The blue glow of the television screen in front of them highlighted their cheekbones and made their eyes shine. Their faces were happily relaxed as they watched the TV (The Grand Budapest Hotel, at Peter’s insistence. Mr Stark quickly agreed that it was a good choice. Peter just thought it was funny that one of the main characters looked like Flash).
The second photo was a follow on from the first, except Tony had turned his head to press a gentle kiss to Pepper’s stomach, eyes closed. Pepper’s eyes were still on the screen, but the corner of her lips were quirked into a small smile.
The last photo had Pepper’s head thrown back in laughter, Tony digging his fingers into her side and a blinding grin on his face.
Only assholes tried to deny the absolute and overwhelming happiness on both their faces.
***
The first and only photo (so far) of Happy Hogan to be posted to @pparker was of the guy smiling, holding out a gorgeous ice cream cone with swirls of chocolate and strawberry and a flake sticking out the side (a photographer’s aesthetic org*sm), his own held closer to his body. The relaxed body guard was dressed in his suit still, easily recognizable as Tony Stark’s former bodyguard.
(The follow-up photos of Happy dropping his smile and beginning to yell at Peter about privacy and catching people off guard and not deserving any company funded ice cream were kept hidden from the general public, but were immediately forwarded to Mr Stark.)
***
@pparker: Breaking!!! A wild MJ caught live on camera. NOT CLICKBAIT.
[video: A stationary shot, showing the halls of Midtown Tech. Michelle Jones walks into shot, notices the camera, and doesn’t miss a step as she flashes a peace sign and continues walking out of shot. Ned Leeds and Peter Parker peek around a corner in the background and begin freaking out. “We caught one on camera!” “This is the greatest day of my life!”]
***
Peter’s Instagram story was always something of a disaster. He treated it like Snapchat, adding videos of MJ yelling at the Decathlon team and zooming in on Flash’s petrified face until the camera was unsteady and MJ yelled out “Peter!”. The next thing to be added could be anything from a sh*tty photo of a dog with the caption ‘DOG’ or the most stunning view of the sun setting over Queens. Or an internship related shenanigan like the group of interns at SI labs making and baking a cake that was 6 feet in diameter amidst giggles and shushing, only to present it to a confused Happy Hogan for his birthday, who then proceeds to call security on them.
Of course, Peter had to work out a way to delay the time of the post so that his location at all times wasn’t obvious, especially since the one time a group of middle schoolers found him just walking home and asked a lot of invasive and frankly stupid questions. Generally, the people of New York were friendly and pretended not to know him (well, many of them didn’t, only the younger generations).
Peter fortunately chose to video Mr Stark’s reaction about the middle school ‘fangirls’ and caught the greatest piece of footage ever captured on camera. At the mention of ‘middle school’ Mr Stark laughed so hard at the prospect of twelve years olds stalking Peter that his chair fell backwards and he crashed onto the floor of the lab, still laughing. Peter’s uploaded it to his story and reaped the benefits (memes) of his labour.
Other times he chose to live-stream, which almost always ended in disaster. He sat with Rhodey and Mr Stark and whoever else wanted to join, be that interns or Pepper or MJ and Ned. The game of RVR (Rapid Vine Recall) became quite popular for a while, but nothing topped Rhodey and Mr Stark screaming rare vines at each other with the pressure of being streamed live.
SI’s PR came to talk to Peter after that one.
***
“And this other dipsh*t got the spot instead of her and his essay was actually dismal. I know, I had Karen help me hack the file so I could read it. It was terrible, the argument was flimsy at best and there’s just no way that he should have been chosen over MJ!”
Mr Stark frowned and flipped the soldering iron in his hand, somehow not burning himself. As he started in on a new section of the engine he said, “So she was passed up in favour of some wanker because, what, she’s a girl?”
Peter rolled his eyes in a very Tony Stark way. “Yes, she was overlooked because she’s a girl, get woke Scully.”
“Don’t bring your memes into the sanctity of the lab!”
“Memes? Mr Stark, do the words Brooklyn Nine-Nine mean anything to you?”
“Uh…”
“The quality of your life before meeting me must have been abysmal.”
“Hey! Watch it, you’re talking to Iron Man here!”
“Big whoop. No hero of mine doesn’t know Brooklyn Nine-Nine.” Peter pulled out his phone and took a blurry photo of Mr Stark, captioning it with ‘Say goodbye to Tony Stark, he’s about to be murdered because I just found out he hasn’t watched B99’.
***
Buzzfeed: Peter Parker Has Done It Again
Tony Stark’s adorable intern has sent us yet another gift from the spiritual plane he exists in. This time, we get to witness the heart-melting visual of Iron Man holding in his hands a litter of kittens. That’s right, an entire litter. There’s like, seven of them. Ovaries are exploding.
For those of you who don’t know, Peter Parker is the latest gift from God. The recently 17-year-old intern of Tony Stark has been taking advantage of his Gen Z skills and sharing photos, videos and anecdotes about his mentor on and across all his social media platforms. As the first and only youth to be so close to Tony Stark, Peter’s unique experience has introduced the rest of the world to another, more authentic side of Tony Stark. From sharing the Top Ten Epic Fails of Tony Stark (In Only One Week) on Instagram’s IGTV, to photos of domestic bliss from behind Mr and Mrs Stark’s paparazzi façade, the kid has given us all.
But not only that, the kid is actually incredibly talented, sharing stunning photos of New York, where he lives, to funny bits he and his friends have put together. If there’s one Instagram account you should be following, it’s @pparker, who deserves the 20 million+ followers.
Peter has released a general statement of not wanting any extra publicity, and that he only shares these photos because there’s ‘some things the world really, really needs to see’. By this we assume the dedicated, overworked and gentle side of one Tony Stark that no one has really seen before now. But we are all grateful to Peter for finally giving us that chance, because if there’s any superhero that I want protecting me, it’s Tony Stark. Not Iron Man (though that is an extreme bonus), but the man with the brain behind it all.
***
“Hey Mr Stark?”
“Yeah Pete.”
Peter tugged a web so that he swung around the corner of a skyscraper. “Does posting stuff of you online ever just, like, annoy the sh*t out of you? Because I realized that I never really asked permission in the first place, and then it sort of spiralled out of control and now my follower count is insane- Not that I was doing it for the followers, Mr Stark! I don’t want you to think that because you know I’m not like that- “
“Pete, relax,” Mr Stark cut him off, flying over and around him in a loop, monitoring the new web-shooter upgrades and spotting him in case anything malfunctioned. “If I had a problem with it you would know about it. I’m Tony Stark, I don’t put up with things I don’t want to.”
“Uh, wrong. Rhodey switching your coffee to decaf. Thaddeus Ross. Anything to do with a board meeting. Dum-E.”
“Yeah, yeah. Point made. What I meant was that I don’t mind. Besides, it’s nice for a father to humour their son’s hero worship of them.”
“Har. Har. Morgan’s not going to need dad jokes when her father is naturally such a f*cking comedian.”
“Which reminds me, we’re going to need to reign in our potty mouths before she gets here or Pepper will have our hides. Won’t do if she’s swearing at the age of three because her father and big brother can’t control their mouths.”
Peter smiled as he alighted on a rooftop, Mr Stark dropping down beside him. It was nice to be included as part of the Stark family even in casual conversation. Mr Stark picked up his wrist and began poking at the shooters. “Any problems I have to deal with?”
“Nope, they work brilliantly.”
“Shucks kid.”
“Now, with your permission firmly stated, I am off to continue embarrassing you online and reveal your true secret identity – you’re a cute, cuddly teddy bear.”
“I’m putting you up for adoption.”
“Nah, you love me. See ya!”
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